Loving People Better by Unfriending Them

I've been thinking hard about deleting my Facebook account for a good number of years. And for a variety of reasons. I deleted my birthdate from my account, because I found it tedious, almost an embracing of being insincere, to be told 'Happy Birthday' by people I don't even know, don't remember, or don't actually have in my life. People who would never have a clue, or remember it was my birthday if they didn't get a reminder from Mark Zuckerberg.

Would any of us go to bed at the end of the day, on our birthday, and tell ourselves what a great day it was because we were told 'happy birthday' on social media by how many people, but not by a single real speaking voice?

I began to realize I had a good number of 'friends' who had VERY strong opinions about a large number of issues, who easily became harsh and unkind.

It's more difficult, I find, to love people when you see the crazy.

Or the mean.

Or the 'you can agree with me or you can be wrong.' Nothing is an opinion anymore, not what we each personally think, but rather here's how it is, and somehow that has even grown into 'if you don't agree with me on this issue, then it's going to be difficult for us to be friends at any level.

Really?

Cub Sweetheart doesn't really love bumper stickers (I love seeing them on other people's cars, especially when they're out there.) But if I could have just one bumper sticker on my car it would be 'Mean People Suck.' Because they do.

Over the years, as I've thought about what I look for in a friend (the real kind), the list has become shorter and shorter. You have to be kind. Have a sense of humor. Be willing to forgive me when I blow it, and ask forgiveness when you do. I don't really care if you're a cat or dog person, what political party you belong to, you can be younger or older than me, married or single, I don't even keep my circle tight to only include fellow Christians, but you do have to be generally moral and love people. And you have to be kind. Did I mention that?

I saw, over and over, that someone would ask to be my 'friend', and within days I'd see them posting 'if I loved a soldier' or supported the flag, or our current president (don't ask) or if I supported whatever cause they felt strongly about. We had to agree on things like immigration, who gets to come into our country, who gets to stay, and how much support they get from our government once they're here. I'd unfollow them, wishing I'd stuck with being friends face to face, but never on a platform that somehow makes us tend towards speaking of things we rarely do otherwise.

Then I started getting 'invited' to join virtual 'parties' that wanted me to spend money on cleaning supplies, or nail art, or various other things I don't care a whit about. From people I haven't spoken to for years. And it would be perceived as offensive if I asked to be uninvited, but it was never offensive that they'd asked me to spend my money but hadn't spoken to me in a decade or more.

I got asked to contribute money to a cause for someone's birthday, or to help with someone who had hit hard times and we went to the same high school, maybe during the same year. My graduating class was over 300 people, most of whom I never knew. It's amazing to me what people are willing to ask when they aren't really standing there, looking at your face.

When I posted that I was struggling to figure out how to handle mail delivery between our two homes I was told - on Facebook - that I had 'first world problems'. I didn't say issues with mail delivery was battling cancer, but the 'friend's' response left me feeling chastised by someone I was never close friends with in real life. It made me wonder if this person would have said that to my face?

 It seems to me we're generally nicer face to face than we are on Facebook.

I told myself I was keeping my account to be able to stay in touch with a few family members who do not own cell phones, so texting is not possible, and emails were tedious for them to go through to find mine.

But then I found myself going online and seeing that friends had gone on trips without inviting me, or bothering to stay in touch with me; 'friends' had had major life events that I knew nothing about. Friends had grown harsh and rigid in their stances on so many things, or far more liberal or far more conservative than I am. And I was judging them.

The older I get, the more I am realizing that often it's easier to love (or even more challenging - like) someone the less you know about them.

I'm not that person who jumps into conversations about the upcoming election or gay rights, or BLM, or whether we should be wearing face masks. I'd much rather talk about good books, knitting, where we wish we could travel, etc. And it's not that I don't have opinions about the upcoming election and gay rights and BLM and wearing face masks. I don't necessarily need to discuss those topics with people not within my inner circle. With people who are actually more comfortable being my 'friend' only as long as we completely agree.

I - like a lot of people - realized more and more that social media not only does not bless me, make me come away feeling better about myself, it doesn't help me love others better.

So I deleted my Facebook account, knowing that will cut ties with people from the past 20+ years, but the truth is that if we are only in touch on Facebook, liking each other's posts, but never actually talking on the phone, or going to see each other, then possibly we have - or should - move on.

If we say we are going to go see each other, but we don't, yet we go on other trips, then maybe it's time - as Elsa and Anna would say, to 'let it go.'

My Instagram account has always been private, and I allow very few people to follow it. Those people are actually in my life, very possibly closely related to me.

Or they are a cow.

Cows of instagram is actually my very favorite follow. Who wouldn't enjoy seeing a baby cow with a wreath of flowers around its head?

And cows never have strong opinions on politics or gay rights or whether to wear a mask or not.

My second favorite follow is Phil Rosenthal; it blesses me to follow what he's eating, where he's traveling, who he's meeting, and all those goofy expressions on his face. (Check him out!)

If you're someone who was a 'friend' on Facebook, but we didn't really know each other, we can sort of stay in touch here on my blog, as much as is healthy for you and for me. If you're a friend from the past 20 or so years, and we haven't taken the time to spend real, physical time with each other, then it's probably okay for both of us to just be thankful for the years of friendship we did have, for the support each of us was for the other one during that time, for all those experiences of raising our kids together, worshiping together, talking about books or knitting or whatever else we were into at the time.

And both of us can move on to developing real, face to face relationships with the people in front of us, all around us, in the seat next to us at church, or home group, or around our dinner table.

We can decide what we want to talk about, and what we want to keep to ourselves.

It's nothing personal, which actually sort of sums it up. During this insane time of Covid I could use more of really, for real, personal, face to face (with or without a mask) and a lot less of social media which was never, and will never be, real.

Life is so very brief, and the older I get the faster it seems to run by me. I don't want to waste another single minute on something with as little lasting value as social media. On something that doesn't bring out the best in me, or help me love others better.

There is enough joy for the journey, but I don't think any of us is actually going to find it spending time 'liking' posts on Facebook.